The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
