bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
