When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize