I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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