nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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