the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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