You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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