Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize