I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
