Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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