did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
