ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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