Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
