im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They took my balls.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I need to sanitize my soul.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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