If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
