whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize