I think I am morally bankrupt
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The uberlube is also flammable
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
