She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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