Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
