there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
