Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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