Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize