I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
