I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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