That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
