I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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