Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
