if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
