tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
