So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
