If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
