did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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