I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
