if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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