wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am puke
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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