you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When did angry sex become our thing?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
