Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize