what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
