I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
