Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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