i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
