I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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