He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize