I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
