I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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