I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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