when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
