when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
