if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize