I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
