Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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