Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
