Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
