I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
