He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just pee around me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
